It's been a week since the sun has last seen buffalo ny.
I checked the internet to be sure, it was sunday january 20, I remember I went to coffee shop for breakfast, and angled my chair around to the end of the table, so I could soak in the sunlight on my face.
By Tuesday I was going through withdraw, feeling restless and on edge.
I found myself at the Downtown Buffalo Public Library, a place where I have fond memories of visiting as a kid, it all hushed and warm, sneakers squeaking on the polished floors.
It isn't like that anymore. Now the entrance feels a bit like the airport, with two metal detectors and black belts stretched between pylons. I wasn't sure if I needed to check my bag, but as I walked through someone standing near the entrance yelled at people to take off their hoods. The energy was cold, crackling with people who looked like they didn't really want to be there, but maybe had few other choices -- not too many places in cities these days where you can exist without spending money.
The energy tensed my body some, yet I was pulled to the far right corner of the library, like I kept seeing myself in my minds eye in that corner of the library, so I trudged on, in my long winter coat and squeaky rubber boots, somewhat doubting where I was heading. I hadn't been to the downtown library in at least 5 years, probably more like 10. I didn't know what was in that corner of the library, though I hoped it would be some books of use to me.
I moved with purpose to the tall metal bookshelves in the far southeast corner of the library, and found my eyes drawn to a book with the words "intuitive healing" written on the spine. I learned it's a book by Judith Orloff, a name I recognized but only figured out why when i googled later -- “the godmother of the empath movement.” Her most popular work focuses on supporting people who are sensitive and prone to absorbing other people's feelings.
I plucked the book open randomly, glancing the words "be in your body" and quickly understanding the purpose of my finding this book. Often time in this column/newsletter/flare gun, I refer to being in my body, returning to my body as a way of accessing wisdom. to articulate it more clearly, I believe being in my body helps me exit my brain, which sometimes I can turn into a bottomless pit of thought forms who's only desire is for me to dig deeper and deeper, wasting precious energy on imagining things to nowhere.
consciously engaging physical movement, specifically dance for me, helps me to understand that my body holds more wisdom and technique than just my thoughts and words. I know things that cannot be articulated in thought or talking -- but I could maybe show you in a dance.
It feels really validating to have been drawn to this book, to find a writer and doctor recommending the practice of being in your body to cultivating a greater understanding of your intuition. at one point she explains the use dance as a portal:
"One of my favorite ways of conjuring up dreams is to turn on music at twilight as the moon rises and dance... instantly I'm out of my head, into my body (a basic formula for intuitive awakening--memorize it!) In my living room, gazing out at an expanse of purple ocean and pastel sky, no one to please, I gyrate wildly...boogie...glide... energy surges up my spine. I leap, spin, twirl... then become invisible. No more mind. Memory returns. Dreams fly through me. I became them. I am open. I can see."
According to Wikipedia, some of Orloff's books have been side-eyed by the government as an example of "irresponsible unscientific work," in large part because though she is a trained psychiatrist, she also has "second sight" or psychic abilities. I note that for the skeptics, but ya'll should know by now I'm down to believe that intuition is an important component to health and survival. That aside, the book "intuitive healing" is a little repetitious, I figured out somewhere around chapter three that the whole text was her just walking through different situations from a five point system of engaging your intuition:
Step 1: notice your beliefs. be aware of the thought forms that you have. There need be no judgement of them (the temptation of classifying something as correct or incorrect).
Step 2: be in your body. Notice what is happening in your body. Movement can be a way to bring more awareness to having a body, and respecting the specific capabilities of your own vehicle.
Step 3: sense your body's subtle energy. Can you notice faint pain? Rapid heart beating? Goose bumps on the skin? Through meditation you can work on sensing into your body's energy centers, otherwise known as chakras, to get more detailed information on how your body is responding to the world around you, both physically and energetically.
Step 4: Ask for inner guidance. There are other sources of wisdom outside of your being, but also deeply inside of your being. Tap into the eternal spiritual donut and access what other intelligence might be available.
Step 5: Listen to your dreams. A practice of journaling or even conversation can help you value and utilize the wisdom accessible in the unconscious realms.
I still haven’t seen the sun.
But I have had an ego death of trying to learn something new: indonesian gamelan. I’m not sure i will stick
with it, you’d be suprised the amount of hostility my frustration can lead to. My inner perfectionist does not like the vulnerability of being a beginner. And yet, in an hours time, i had learned a lil melody. tolerating my own discomfort, one day at a time. here’s 30 seconds of me and a bunch of other people plucking at a gamelan.
*forgive the typos today ya’ll. it’s 1am.