On my 14,610* day

notes from planet earth

I went for a walk by myself

Next to a river with mossy rocks and lots of fallen leaves

I followed the path alongside this creek, that I later learned was called see-un-gut by the indigenous folks who lived on the land, and later murder creek** by the settlers who came to occupy it, a fact that I’m glad i learned after, or it might of confirmed my mother’s habit of repeating a bill bellamy joke she recently heard about white women wandering into the woods by themselves and how I’m just like them or something

and true i be doing my own thing, like stopping at the dispensary on the rez to buy a tiny pre-roll covered in “diamond dust,” lighting it in the shadow of a yellow plastic playground slide, and then descending on a path to the water’s edge, and among the trees, welcoming them to talk to me and share and guide and participate, and they were like we already do that, and i was like, true, cool, but now i’m going to pay attention more, and propped my phone up on tree roots and took selfies and anointed my forehead with creek water. they showed me the smoothed over rocks where people had once walked and played in the water, but now there were mad signs reminding people the land was uneven and hazardous and not to swim.

and though some of the paths were completely covered with fallen brown and orange, nature guided me to the broken leaves, where other humans and beings had tread, like a pale fall-highlighted path around trees and boulders, and small dark circles notched into the dirt, around exposed tree roots and under small ledges of rock, where I announced “prime real estate” and imagined all the creatures watching me that I couldn’t see, who had made homes in and along the bank.

I followed the broken leaf trail to a flat rock laid out on the edge of creek, where I could watch the waterfall and imagine all the things it had been to all the other times it had been, and then watched a squirrel with a large brown nut in his mouth be chased by another squirrel on one side of the creek. The runner took to the creek, deftly and thoughtfully navigating over the rocks in the rushing cold water, while i watched and commented “ooouuuu! ouuuuu! jukin!” it got to the other side of the creek, the chaser squirrel either didn’t feel confident or energized enough to jump from rock to rock, and our successful hurdler stared at me, maybe surprised to have a human witness, and maybe suspicious, but hungry all the same, hunched and chomping on a chestnut. 

I didn’t get murdered at murder creek. I just enjoyed nature, fantasized about buying property in the country, maybe with its own little creek or waterfall, and then went to eat at a random restaurant nearby, where I didn’t see any american flags or campaign signs endorsing someone outwardly racist, just a homey restaurant decorated with travel souvenirs from places like curaçao and mexico and the game show network playing on a tv hanging behind the bar. But i was still too chicken to ask for salt for my penne with chicken and butternut squash, which probably could have used lemon too. I was the only black woman after all, and people tend to think i’m younger than i am. I don’t know how to age myself more outwardly, and I’m not interested in trying. but for the record I’ve been here for over 14,610 days, and according to a horoscope app, tomorrow’s new moon in scorpio is asking me to “step into my power,” so.

111123**

*this is an adjusted calculation to account for leap years. There are actually 365.2425 days in a single revolution of the earth around the sun. 

**there’s a few convoluted ghost stories related to this name, that im not sure i believe

** I’ve been obsessing over sampha’s new album. a friend called it “muzak” but for me, listening it, watching him performing it live at the Danforth in Toronto last week, feels like seeing a familiar face at the same spiritual wholesale store. We kneel at the same altar, and it’s nice to see what sense he is making of his time in communion. I made this mix in the basement of my parent’s house at 1 in the morning on my 40th birthday.