11 things

can you see the signs of stress

I know im stressed when my screenshots get overly optimistic.

1. ya’ll i promise i have better things i am writing and editing, but they are not ready, so you finna get this list

2. i celebrated 41 years on planet earth with an emo IG post of some of the beings I’ve been

3. I highkey don’t feel like writing or sharing but I am forcing myself bc the worst part is starting and if i never start i will always have a good excuse and really self-sabotage is played out in 2025 we are confronting our demons

4. I just switched my computer to an orange tint and i am already feeling better. sometimes its the subtle shifts, rn id say my life is not ideal for creative production, what it being a year since I’ve had a place of my own and three months since i was kicked out of my ex’s apt. ive got a lowly studio space in a warehouse full of abandoned junk but they aren’t yet heating it in the winter, so ive taken to making myself pallets of blankets and cushions, soft and synthetic furry islands of comfort, on the floor of my teen brother’s bedroom. He is away at college, and this is where I have been squatting during this transition to elsewhere.

5. my transition to elsewhere also includes doordashing, and part of me wants to feel shame, but really it has been so soothing to do a task-oriented job that offers voyeurism into the eating habits of people in western new york. lately, if i am traveling and feeling stressed and disoriented, i’ll long for the zen of doordashing, the complete direct obedience of doing what my phone tells me to do.

6. If you are judging me rn, okay?

7. It’s not like there’s not good things happening too. I sold a show! I booked a gig! I’m piloting another show! I’m being purposefully vague because everything is uncertain and my lawyer is expensive! But good things are happening!

8. And also bad things are happening. Maybe they’re alternating like two fountains spurting water, or spiraling around each other like the muted brown and white of a soft serve machine.

9. I’m a scorpio in scorpio season bleeding with the full moon in taurus. i celebrated by washing my grandmother’s hair.

10. I’ve been comfort watching marvel and disney. i feel like soul doesn’t get enough love. i don’t love being at this stage, the anxious inbetween, but I read something that was like “Do you evaluate and judge yourself as not being all you could be? Lovingly understand your humanness, rather than attempting to transcend the body-mind and its emotions, pains, and problems. Quicken and align your sense with a more mythical intent. Honor your body as a scared chalice of Essence Self.”

11. I’m taking my lumps with the gifts, keeping the following mantras in my heart:

    1. i trust myself

    2. all of this shit is made up anyway