50-11 Julys

15 years

It’s been 15 years worth of Julys.

I researched them, kept a record and added them up as close to the day: July 23.

First July I’ve got on record, 2007, I’m held by a love that won’t quit, and not in a good way.

Another July I had started a “dream job.*” Two Julys later', I’d quit it.

That following July, I’d be managing my anxiety about that boyfriend, for whom I’d quit the job, and moved to Paris for.

So many Julys, so many anxious feelings about a man.

Another July still, I had started a new job (fine dining waitress), in a new city (chicago), with a new boyfriend, and wanted to quit.

***

Many Julys were beginnings, or endings.

July’s filled with longing, desires for love.

One July I’m talking about God,

many Julys later the word is universe.

They’re not all the same July, but in another way, they are.

This most recent July my heart opened and broke at least a handful of times.

****

I’m adding up the Julys. It comforts me, seeing the time flattened like that. I really do be living.

*it was for viacom, in the famous 1515 broadway building I used to watch on TRL.